Thursday, 20 November 2014

EA and Rockstar to launch FIFA GTA crossover

Virtual FIFA kingpin Blepp Twatter
Game designing giants Electronic Arts (EA) and Rockstar are collaborating on a crossover, linking the game worlds of their FIFA and Grand Theft Auto marquee titles, which are available on the popular XBox, Playstation 4 and PC.

As well as being able to control the fortunes of sporting idols Messi and Ronaldo on the pitch, players will also be able to take on the role of a FIFA executive, in a virtual underworld where they can rise to power in the organisation through corruption, bribery, extortion, kickbacks, vote rigging and cover-ups.

The first game in the series will start in the run up to the historical Brazil World Cup 2014 competition, with future downloadable content "Qatar Rising" available for a one off payment of $5 million in uncut diamonds and 20 camels.

Reviews of the pre-alpha suggest that players are frustrated that it is seemingly impossible to unseat the shady autocratic in game FIFA boss Blepp Twatter by any means. The designers have responded that this is a "feature" intended to provide players with a more realistic gaming experience.

The game is earmarked for a 12th of Never 2099 release on no platforms at all, because this is all clearly fantasy and obviously bears no resemblance to the afore mentioned organisations whatsoever.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

UK Govt set to turn London Eye into source of green renewable energy

The London Eye (pic: M Bowman)
 The Government is set to announce plans to convert the London Eye into a source of clean, renewable energy, Arseconkers has learned. The project will be launched alongside a number of welfare reforms in a future Bill.

The Eye, developed as a temporary tourist attraction at the turn of the millennium, will be converted into a large "hamster wheel", and will generate electricity like a bicycle lamp dynamo, powered initially by Britain's burgeoning number of unemployed, homeless and pensioners. Benefits will be paid according to performance, measured in kWh. The Liberal Democrats originally opposed the plan, but have agreed to support it on the understanding that a large plastic communal drinking bottle will be attached to the side of the structure with an elastic band, and that students will also be used to keep the supply going on evenings and weekends.
A working class person

A Tory spokesman said, "We have to get people out of this cycle of dependency. The global recession has hit the wealthy incredibly hard, and it is important that we all work together to help them get over the mess they created through their own greed. We intend to roll this out locally to private homes and offices so that the middle and working classes can start pulling their weight whilst working too. We will use this to provide tax breaks to people putting £2 million or more into offshore bank accounts. Who could have predicted that a source of clean, cheap, renewable energy could be right under our noses, and indeed in your houses, just like shale gas? We don't need to consult about the short, mid, long term negatives, the environmental or social consequences, and I really don't give a single fuck anyway provided my wealthy chums amd I make a fat pile of cash. Plus I will be able to see those worthless prols get off their fat arses and work for a living for once, from my grace and favour Parliament office that I have just had decorated with panda skin wallpaper at the tax payers expense, while drinking the finest subsidised claret and toasting my well deserved and self appointed 11% pay rise."

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

TfL ask OED to redefine the word "good"

A "good" service (Pic: eeveelife)
Arseconkers has determined that an approach has been made by representatives of Transport for London (TfL) to the Oxford English Dictionary to redefine the word "good". The word, whose current definitions include "pleasing, to be approved of" and "having the required qualities, of a high standard" is causing confusion amongst foreign tourists to the capital, when they hear station announcements that "all underground lines are currently running a good service" - moments before having to contort into a packed train delayed by signal failures, and having their face compressed against the carriage doors leaving a permanent imprint.

Central Line commuters yesterday

TfL, who are responsible for running the London Underground system, or "Tube", have petitioned for the meaning of the word "good" to be redefined as meaning "awful, dreadful, at best shockingly mediocre". However, they admitted that the employee responsible for recording the "good service" announcements had not travelled on the Central Line during rush hour, or on the District Line ever.

In other announcements, TfL revealed a new rush hour ticketing strategy based on The Hunger Games, whereby commuters would compete in a "survival of the fittest" death-match in order to secure a place on their chosen train.

"The 0745 from Waterloo to Bank has arrived. Only one of you will survive to ride it. Let the Games begin!"

Monday, 17 November 2014

SatNav Bell-Endery

Bell-Ended SatNav Arse-conkery
I have a literally unlimited pit of bile reserved for people who transgress against all the laws of common sense, intellect and reason. The more minor and insignificant the transgression, the more it irritates me.

An example: people who seem to think that glass was chosen as the material from which to build car windscreens by virtue of a receptiveness to the application of SatNav suction cups, rather than it's transparent properties. That's right, it is made of glass so you can see the fucking road without having to peer round the TV sized device you've just stuck above the steering wheel.

I hereby issue an A.C.E. fatwah that all persons using their SatNav in this manner shall have both it, and their vehicle, taken away and crushed, since they are clearly too fucking stupid to own either.